Doubts, uncertainties and our answers
Testimonios
Day by day in our task we find different moments in the process that women go through to live a life without violence. A very important one is making the decision to file a complaint for violence. Doubts, uncertainties and fears arise, but it is also from that moment that women take on a greater dimension of what they live and a new attitude towards their situation.
Below we share some of the concerns and reflections that arise from the complaint:
“I still can't report, I'm afraid of everything that comes, that he will get more violent, that he will go crazy. "
Is that fear greater than the fear that he produces in you now?
It is a fear that they all have, until they realize that they are resisting violence and danger very alone. It can be annoying to have an anti-panic button, or to be called by the prosecution to ask how things are going ... Compared with what they lived, the annoyance will be less and the fear will also be less. Without complaint they are without protection. With the complaint they make public what happens to them in private, they set up a network of containment, to which they can resort. They are not alone, and they know it and, in general, they slow down.
“The complaint allowed me to sleep peacefully, it was difficult to report the father of my daughters, but he did not change, he did not stop. I finally had to prioritize my protection and those of my daughters. They gave him restriction of approach towards me and my daughters. At first they missed him, they didn't understand, but soon after they began to talk about what was happening to them with their father. They were also afraid of him, afraid of contradicting him, afraid of doing something wrong and that the pope would get very angry "
-When the violent dad is not at home, you can talk freely. To express themselves freely, physical and emotional safety must be guaranteed. Freedom is lost when living with a violent person.
“Before reporting it, I was afraid of being in charge of everything alone. Later I realized that it was easier than I thought. By saving me the effort I made every day so that everything was calm so that he does not get out, we were all relieved. I felt a great relief. "
- Almost all women in situations of violence think that they are going to be able to control situations, and spend years "regulating" what they say, what they and their children do, believing that they will be able to prevent violence from happening. Slowly they are verifying that the desire that it does not continue happening is not enough, nor is what they do enough. Stopping violence is the responsibility of the perpetrator. Women can ask for help and protect themselves, it is not in their hands to stop the violence.
“The worst thing about taking so long to file a complaint is the impact of violence for years on my children's lives. I have a son who behaves like his father. That is what distresses me the most, I cannot bear it. "
-That the children see how they treat their mother is a lesson. Daughters learn from the violent, that teaching is one of the ways of violence, not caring, it is an enormous damage that is not always dimensioned accordingly. On the other hand, mistreatment of the mother injures maternal authority, which affects the bond between mother and child. Undamaged maternal authority is important for the care and upbringing of children. Children need that authority to grow. Battered mothers say that their daughters ignore them, that it is difficult for them to maintain the guidelines of coexistence, this is because the authority has been damaged, in that it is also necessary to work.
“Having a caring parent is valuable, but when the parent puts your children at risk, safety is more valuable. My children are not seeing their dad, the restriction of approach continues. Now they have less things, it does not matter, now we live in peace. He says that he wants to see them, that they are his children, that he loves them. and at the same time he does not do therapy, speaks ill of me and does not pay the food quota. That's not love."
-When we speak of risk, we consider both emotional and physical risk. Emotional and physical safety are necessary conditions for the healthy development of a child, and the restriction of approach is aimed at protection. Parents have rights and obligations. A basic obligation is good treatment. The right to see them and maintain contact is paused, because of the violence, the judges are the ones who take "the facts" to decide whether or not to restrict their approach. Is there anything parents can do to reconnect with their children? Yes. Parents can ask for help, do specialized treatment in violence. The decision is theirs.
Doubts, uncertainties and our answers
Testimonios
Day by day in our task we find different moments in the process that women go through to live a life without violence. A very important one is making the decision to file a complaint for violence. Doubts, uncertainties and fears arise, but it is also from that moment that women take on a greater dimension of what they live and a new attitude towards their situation.
Below we share some of the concerns and reflections that arise from the complaint:
“I still can't report, I'm afraid of everything that comes, that he will get more violent, that he will go crazy. "
Is that fear greater than the fear that he produces in you now?
It is a fear that they all have, until they realize that they are resisting violence and danger very alone. It can be annoying to have an anti-panic button, or to be called by the prosecution to ask how things are going ... Compared with what they lived, the annoyance will be less and the fear will also be less. Without complaint they are without protection. With the complaint they make public what happens to them in private, they set up a network of containment, to which they can resort. They are not alone, and they know it and, in general, they slow down.
“The complaint allowed me to sleep peacefully, it was difficult to report the father of my daughters, but he did not change, he did not stop. I finally had to prioritize my protection and those of my daughters. They gave him restriction of approach towards me and my daughters. At first they missed him, they didn't understand, but soon after they began to talk about what was happening to them with their father. They were also afraid of him, afraid of contradicting him, afraid of doing something wrong and that the pope would get very angry "
-When the violent dad is not at home, you can talk freely. To express themselves freely, physical and emotional safety must be guaranteed. Freedom is lost when living with a violent person.
“Before reporting it, I was afraid of being in charge of everything alone. Later I realized that it was easier than I thought. By saving me the effort I made every day so that everything was calm so that he does not get out, we were all relieved. I felt a great relief. "
- Almost all women in situations of violence think that they are going to be able to control situations, and spend years "regulating" what they say, what they and their children do, believing that they will be able to prevent violence from happening. Slowly they are verifying that the desire that it does not continue happening is not enough, nor is what they do enough. Stopping violence is the responsibility of the perpetrator. Women can ask for help and protect themselves, it is not in their hands to stop the violence.
“The worst thing about taking so long to file a complaint is the impact of violence for years on my children's lives. I have a son who behaves like his father. That is what distresses me the most, I cannot bear it. "
-That the children see how they treat their mother is a lesson. Daughters learn from the violent, that teaching is one of the ways of violence, not caring, it is an enormous damage that is not always dimensioned accordingly. On the other hand, mistreatment of the mother injures maternal authority, which affects the bond between mother and child. Undamaged maternal authority is important for the care and upbringing of children. Children need that authority to grow. Battered mothers say that their daughters ignore them, that it is difficult for them to maintain the guidelines of coexistence, this is because the authority has been damaged, in that it is also necessary to work.
“Having a caring parent is valuable, but when the parent puts your children at risk, safety is more valuable. My children are not seeing their dad, the restriction of approach continues. Now they have less things, it does not matter, now we live in peace. He says that he wants to see them, that they are his children, that he loves them. and at the same time he does not do therapy, speaks ill of me and does not pay the food quota. That's not love."
-When we speak of risk, we consider both emotional and physical risk. Emotional and physical safety are necessary conditions for the healthy development of a child, and the restriction of approach is aimed at protection. Parents have rights and obligations. A basic obligation is good treatment. The right to see them and maintain contact is paused, because of the violence, the judges are the ones who take "the facts" to decide whether or not to restrict their approach. Is there anything parents can do to reconnect with their children? Yes. Parents can ask for help, do specialized treatment in violence. The decision is theirs.