Actualidad
By Paula Iudica
"A manipulator is first of all invisible" *
Gender violence manifests itself in multiple ways. Some are more visible and clear, both for those who suffer it and for their environment, such as physical violence, and others, more subtle, such as psychological or emotional violence.
Manipulation is present in all situations of violence. In some, it represents the first link in a long chain of different forms of violence that will appear in the relationship, until reaching extreme forms. In others, it is the only way in which violence manifests itself, and yet it is just as serious and has profound consequences for the victim. The danger of this type of violence is the difficulty to perceive it as such, precisely because of its invisible nature and almost imperceptible to the victim.
Blaming, devaluation, humiliation, control and blackmail are forms of manipulation that can be difficult to detect from the beginning, and gradually generate a state of confusion, lack of confidence and low self-esteem, and a feeling of constant guilt, thus making decision-making and freedom of action impossible: that they lie to us, that they make us feel that what we say and think has no value, that they ignore us, that they make us feel guilty for non-existent or irrelevant “mistakes” that they get angry but do not tell us why, generating discomfort and guilt, that communication is confusing and causes us doubts about what they are transmitting to us, that they make us responsible for discussions or situations that we do not cause, that make us feel that We are crazy or wrong are some examples. There are also less subtle forms of manipulation, such as threats: "If you leave me, I'll kill myself" or "he told me that if I made the complaint, he would kill me" are phrases that many women hear frequently from their partners. How to act if we are under threat of death? Fear paralyzes us. Many times the manipulation persists after the separation, through the children: the men manipulate them so that they act in
the house as they would act, for example controlling their mothers. It goes without saying that this manipulation that the girls receive and reproduce is also imperceptible to them, that is, they are victims of violence just like their mothers.
One factor that reinforces the difficulty of perceiving these types of situations is that we live in a patriarchal society, in which the general belief is that women should be complacent, responsible for keeping the family together, and providing affection, care, understanding and tolerance at home. “Am I a bad girlfriend / wife / mother if I don't do what you ask of me?” The feeling of guilt for “making others angry” or “provoking them”, or “destroying” the family, is a barrier when taking the decision to report and / or separate. This represents yet another challenge for those who are already in a situation of violence: breaking with cultural and family models that were instilled in us from childhood. In turn, it is painful to assimilate that these attitudes, no matter how subtle or imperceptible, are violent, hurt us and come from the person who tells us he loves us, perhaps the father of our children, if we have one. and with whom surely at some point we imagine sharing the rest of our lives.
Without a doubt, being able to see it and make the decision to find a way out is difficult. It is very important to have a safety net, since it is very difficult to realize it alone. Living in a home where there is violence (in any of its forms) has consequences in our lives and that of our children. Parallel to manipulation, other types of violence may or may not occur. Each situation is different and you cannot know what will happen next. What we do know is that violence subdues us, makes us sick, destabilizes us and weakens us. There are exits. Asking for help and making a report is the first step on the road to a life without violence.
* Nazare-Aga, Isabelle, 2002, “Los manipuladores”, Barcelona, Spain, Ediciones B, S.A.
Actualidad
By Paula Iudica
"A manipulator is first of all invisible" *
Gender violence manifests itself in multiple ways. Some are more visible and clear, both for those who suffer it and for their environment, such as physical violence, and others, more subtle, such as psychological or emotional violence.
Manipulation is present in all situations of violence. In some, it represents the first link in a long chain of different forms of violence that will appear in the relationship, until reaching extreme forms. In others, it is the only way in which violence manifests itself, and yet it is just as serious and has profound consequences for the victim. The danger of this type of violence is the difficulty to perceive it as such, precisely because of its invisible nature and almost imperceptible to the victim.
Blaming, devaluation, humiliation, control and blackmail are forms of manipulation that can be difficult to detect from the beginning, and gradually generate a state of confusion, lack of confidence and low self-esteem, and a feeling of constant guilt, thus making decision-making and freedom of action impossible: that they lie to us, that they make us feel that what we say and think has no value, that they ignore us, that they make us feel guilty for non-existent or irrelevant “mistakes” that they get angry but do not tell us why, generating discomfort and guilt, that communication is confusing and causes us doubts about what they are transmitting to us, that they make us responsible for discussions or situations that we do not cause, that make us feel that We are crazy or wrong are some examples. There are also less subtle forms of manipulation, such as threats: "If you leave me, I'll kill myself" or "he told me that if I made the complaint, he would kill me" are phrases that many women hear frequently from their partners. How to act if we are under threat of death? Fear paralyzes us. Many times the manipulation persists after the separation, through the children: the men manipulate them so that they act in
the house as they would act, for example controlling their mothers. It goes without saying that this manipulation that the girls receive and reproduce is also imperceptible to them, that is, they are victims of violence just like their mothers.
One factor that reinforces the difficulty of perceiving these types of situations is that we live in a patriarchal society, in which the general belief is that women should be complacent, responsible for keeping the family together, and providing affection, care, understanding and tolerance at home. “Am I a bad girlfriend / wife / mother if I don't do what you ask of me?” The feeling of guilt for “making others angry” or “provoking them”, or “destroying” the family, is a barrier when taking the decision to report and / or separate. This represents yet another challenge for those who are already in a situation of violence: breaking with cultural and family models that were instilled in us from childhood. In turn, it is painful to assimilate that these attitudes, no matter how subtle or imperceptible, are violent, hurt us and come from the person who tells us he loves us, perhaps the father of our children, if we have one. and with whom surely at some point we imagine sharing the rest of our lives.
Without a doubt, being able to see it and make the decision to find a way out is difficult. It is very important to have a safety net, since it is very difficult to realize it alone. Living in a home where there is violence (in any of its forms) has consequences in our lives and that of our children. Parallel to manipulation, other types of violence may or may not occur. Each situation is different and you cannot know what will happen next. What we do know is that violence subdues us, makes us sick, destabilizes us and weakens us. There are exits. Asking for help and making a report is the first step on the road to a life without violence.
* Nazare-Aga, Isabelle, 2002, “Los manipuladores”, Barcelona, Spain, Ediciones B, S.A.